Steroid Rice Krispie Treats

I know this sounds bad.
meant to update with the last portion of my blog series “Talk About a Scandal.”

I have great content on the unfair labor practices surrounding the cocoa farms all over the Ivory coast and our dying coffee plantations. Prices are soaring through the roof. I live in Seattle.
We recognize when our daily caffeinated beverage of choice becomes even slightly more expensive.

All of the stereotypes about caffeinated Seattleites are true. I promise.

Today, however, calls for a celebration. I was recently inspired by god-knows-what in Trader Joe’s and inbetween my painful, tragic, and heart breaking avoidance of the Chocolate Covered Potato Chips I spotted something out of the ordinary.

Puffed rice cereal.
Ohhh boy. I haven’t had anything carby or starchy in a long time. It looked sensually addictive and I couldn’t help myself. In the basket it went, along with some almond butter.

(Which is my trade off for buying the rice cereal. Because I overeat peanut butter.)

But that is another story for another day. Today is all about

RICE KRISPIE TREATS ON STEROIDS!


What is this, you may be asking? Well, child, let me tell you! Those old marshmallow, sugary insulin-spiking sweet treats are of the past! Oh yes! It’s all about the slow absorbing sugars and rich, robust earthy flavors! Like an iron-pumping protein-stuffing flex-hungry bodybuilder, we have upgraded and turned the wimpy Rice Krispie treat into a gold medal athlete!

Away we go! Become a gladiator and utilize those arm muscles!

rice krispie treats on steroids

  • 2 cups puffed rice cereal
  • 1/4 cup nut meal of choice (I used a combination of hazelnuts and almonds)
  • 1/2 cup sliced almonds (or any nut you’d like– chopped walnuts or pecans may be nice!)
  • 1/2 cup almond butter (sub any other nut butter)
  • 1/3 cup maple syrup (or honey)
  • 1/4 cup coconut oil  (or butter, or vegan margarine)
  • 1 tablespoon cinnamon

optional: 2 tablespoons cocoa powder for caffeine and richness.
2 scoops of protein powder for ULTIMATE BODYBUILDING STAMINA.
Be sure to add an additional 2 tablespoons maple syrup or almond butter for the powder in these optional mix-ins.

Alright, warriors! Begin by heartily centering a pot on a high heat stovetop. With the world’s most grandiose strength, plow the coconut oil and almond butter into the pot. Carefully observe as it melts, combines, and shines with glory. Pat yourself on the back, tough guy/gal! If it doesn’t burn, you’ve accomplished the most difficult task in the entire recipe.
Once well melted and combined,  resist and pour the thick and heavy maple syrup among your kill, stirring with bicep and tricep momentum. Feel the burn!
(Not the scorching sugars. Do be wary of that.)
Your medium heated stovetop has really taken a beating. But GUESS WHAT? IT’S NOT OVER YET. Vigorously shake (in one direction, please) your nut meal into the pot and stir. Let your stove and sweet mixture cry with hisses, pops, and bubbles.  Laugh in fury as you slap off the heat and bruntly sweep the mixture to the side. Gather your last victims: sliced almonds, cinnamon, and cocoa powder if you’ve chosen to maximize your killings for the day. Stir heartily to combine, and suffocate the crowd with rice cereal. Quickly combine everything together until sad, sloppy, and sticky.
These kinds of kills are never clean.

A proper good-bye: lay out the warm mixture into a glass pan, cake pan, or dirt hole. Leave your massacre to rest in the refrigerator. Wait patiently for 30 minutes, slice and cut into bars of any size or shape you prefer.

Enjoy the muscle toting and strength building power of these bars of madness.

My camping trip was not complete without them!

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Steroid Rice Krispie Treats

2 thoughts on “Steroid Rice Krispie Treats

  1. Dan says:

    The title led me to think this was going to be an exposé on steroid use in the industrial production of rice krispie treats. phew!

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